I just stepped off the airplane and the first text I got was a link to an article about your Patreon page. Apparently, you need some money to keep your metal career alive. Well congratulations, Allegaeon! You are officially the laziest, most pathetic, sub-human beta males in America.
Rock isn’t what it used to be. Some guy named Neill already schooled you about that in Decibel Magazine. I’m not going to repeat what he said regarding over-saturation and personal responsibility. I’m just going to add the things he was too polite to say.
Your begging video was a complete joke. As I listened to your “TM” [tour manager] spout off all the money you owed (over $8,700), I was shaking my head. If you were a small business, you would fold. I listened to your tour expenses, and you guys are such morons. You are paying people you don’t even need. First off, management. If your manager was doing his job, you wouldn’t be in this position. Fire him. Two, a driver? Can none of you drive?
Stop ruining his life and let him go after a lucrative career – unlike you lazy shit brains. Don’t fire your agent. He is your only hope. Have none of you any business skills? Stop hiring people to do jobs you are capable of. Cut the expenses, except essentials like gas, shelter and water. Do you pay taxes or collect? Do you even file?
What makes you think you are entitled to our money and pity? Why should I spend my hard earned money to help you when your misfortune is by choice, not chance? I’m seriously asking.
I’ve been in a band for a while. It’s called White Lung. Look us up because you probably don’t know us, which is why I’ve had no shame in a day job. I noticed that one of your band mates does have a job at a head shop for $10 an hour. There are single moms out there raising a kid on that amount.
Surely in your years of the music industry, you can’t weasel your know-how connections into a more challenging and well paying position? Are you too “busy” booking tours and juggling the books to work? Appears not. Most men your age have families to provide for, not guitars to buy. Grow up.
Being in a band is awesome and easy… and annoying and taxing, just like everything else in this world. Touring is a young man’s game, and you have hit your expiration date. The free market doesn’t lie.
This is more pathetic than people who fake disability or rob small stores for money. At least those people are ashamed of themselves – they know what they are doing is sad, sub-par human behavior. They don’t publicly reveal their wrong doings. You “men” have deemed it perfectly acceptable to slouch on your Pikachu pillow and lament that you need money from your fans via a poorly shot video and free website page.
I hope that pillow belongs to one of your children. Actually, I don’t. That would mean one of you is so unfit to be a father that you can’t put your pipe dream aside to provide for your family as an adult.
You guys are annoying and dickless. I blame myself. Feminism did this to you weaklings. I knew you would take any chance to break free from responsibility and run like the wind into adolescence. Disgusting. Nothing dries a vagina as quick as a blow dryer, and your whole campaign is the Dyson Supersonic.
I have to go. I caught a 7am flight to Minneapolis to transfer to Iowa City to play a festival, then fly back to Austin, Texas for another. I leave that night and land in my home of LA that morning to and go straight back to my job as an account executive. I’ve got shit to do and it doesn’t include begging my “fans” for money. Don’t try to even fake that sitting in a van all day is hard. Day time on tour is a fucking nap.
I can’t tell you what to do. This is a free country, but I can let you know that I think you are sad excuses for humans. Being able to happily and modestly live off your music is an achievable and realistic goal – it involves internal business management, cutting expenses, working a day job and being FUCKING REALISTIC. If you need to borrow a reality check, I know a few people who might be done with theirs.
Feel free to contact me and talk if this offends you. I’m might be busy but I’ll return the message happily.”