Metal Anarchy

Last year, As I Lay Dying experienced a mass exodus that saw everyone exit the band except Tim Lambesis. At the time, rumors were circulating that seemed to suggest that the vocalist was abusing his wife Dany. She later shot those claims down, but footage of altercations between the two began to surface. Lambesis claimed the clips were released as part of “public attacks” and that he had split up with Dany after being assaulted and mentally abused. As such, he has now addressed these issues further, while also opening up about the toll they have taken on his mental health.

Lambesis told his “personal branding pro” and fitness coach Justin Wenzel the following about establishing a business relationship with the musicians he works with instead of a personal one [transcribed by The PRP]:

“I chose to make it that way, but that was my own fault. It doesn’t have to be that way… living with a person in a bus and all that, I’m responsible for making sure that there is health in my own life and personal concern between the people I’m working with and I didn’t prioritize that enough.”

He went on to say that his relationship with Dany started to spill into his career:

“I think it just really comes down to the amount of anxiety I had on a relationship level, that I just carried on a regular basis, of like, not understanding. I just don’t understand how you could be with a person and not be kind to them, and, like, really mess with my head to the point where I just would wake up with anxiety. I’d go to sleep with anxiety.

And to me, being that version of myself, it was inevitable I was going to push everybody else away, right? Because how do you how do you connect with a person that’s drowning in anxiety constantly, but won’t talk to you about it?

I wasn’t going to talk about it, because I didn’t want to let anybody know how deeply unhealthy things were, because then they would tell me, I have to leave the relationship. But I wanted to find a way to fight and stay, right?

So, I just kept it in, kept it in, and they’re like, you know, people are just saying, like, ‘Tim‘s acting less and less like himself’, like, ‘I’m concerned, what is going on?’ I never yelled at anybody or argued with anybody, or we never had fights. It wasn’t like that. It was just like, from afar, they were like, ‘This dude just feels like he’s falling apart, like, what’s going on?’

And the irony is that the relationship ended — my relationship ended — at the same time that those guys sort of gave up, per se. I’m not blaming them, but the solution occurred at the same time that they felt like they no longer were… They didn’t want… They didn’t want to stick around, because they felt like there was no solution, right?”

He continued when asked if bandmates tried to intervene:

“…That’s not to their discredit. I mean, I tend to… the more I’m struggling, the more I isolate, right?”

He added:

“I do have to defend them… So part of why I bottled up and isolated more is that I did get this sense of ultimatum that was like, ‘Hey, dude, whatever you’re going through, like, I can’t see that that stuff surface again, because if that, if that comes out again, I’m gone.” …One of the guys had said that. And so there was like, Okay, well now, like, I feel like I gotta hide my struggle, right?”

He also discussed things further after being asked if this behavior showed itself on tours:

“Yeah. I mean.. verbal arguments and stuff. Or, you know, you’d be like, hey, where did they go? Where did Tim… Me and my ex would go, [leaving his bandmates] [we would] just be gone for the last two hours, like we’re waiting for him…

And it just was, that whole, I’m just scratching my head and being like, how can I resolve conflict? And there was, there was no way to possibly resolve [it.] I’m always looking for a way to resolve conflict. It’s within my nature. Maybe it’s the codependent thing, like you’re talking about. So I just like all I care about is resolving it.”

Lambesis also revealed that he was trying to make unhealthy relationships work to fill the void left by his past screw ups. This includes losing his adopted children after being sentenced to prison in 2014 after attempting to hire a hitman to kill one of his former wives:

“I think for people that are like ‘Ah man, this dude’s had every opportunity.’ I think that that’s a criticism that’s warranted. Because it’s like, man, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to take a step back and heal from that, but I never wanted to talk about it. Because I felt like, to some degree, there was this belief that if I try to say something… When you talk about somebody losing their kids, it’s natural to feel sympathy towards them, right?

And if I’m talking about something where [people will] feel like, ‘Oh, he’s trying to gain sympathy for how he feels’, or what he went through, then I know, for me, because I’m a public figure this, that’s a bad look, right? It’s like, oh, ‘that dude’s a narcissist’, or he’s trying to do whatever. So, I just I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t talk about it.

You know, 12 years ago is when I was arrested and in the last 12 years, I maybe talked, just acknowledged, that loss, like once or twice, very, very briefly. And avoiding that to me was a real problem. So I just can’t do anything but come out and say man, that’s the route that makes sense.

But there’s something freeing in finally acknowledging that thing I didn’t want to talk about, or if I did talk about it once a year for a couple minutes, [there’s] something freeing about it. If it’s 12 years later and I gotta cry about it a 100 more times then that’s what I’ve gotta do.”

He also shared more about his kids:

“I’ve been asked out of respect for them to not talk about them publicly. But I can mention the feelings that I have for them in a broader sense. But their freedom and autonomy to remove themselves from the chaos that I’ve had in my life is something they deserve.”

Furthermore, Lambesis confirmed that the lyrics on “Through Storms Ahead” were a subconscious “cry for help.” He also addressed the future of the band:

“I don’t really want to talk about the details of that… I do feel like my task right now is to be further down this healing path, and when I’m there, I think it’s somewhat inevitable that I will… for people that like As I Lay Dying already, I may not win over new fans or whatever, but for people that are like ‘I wonder if the next As I Lay Dying album is going to be good?’ or if whatever he does next is going to be good, of course it’s going to be good if I just focus on my health and become the person that can create that and have a stable surrounding and good community around me, and that’s what’s gonna give it strength.

But I mean the musical creation has never been the difficult part for me. And that’s like a weird thing right? Like you recall record label people or booking agents and they’re like oh, “Well is Tim good at his job?” and they’re like, ‘Of course he’s good at his job, but he’s potentially a mess in other areas of life.’ So it’s like dude, my job is the least of my worries.”

He then circled back to unhealthy relationships and the void that was left after losing his kids:

“There’s clearly been something that’s been unaddressed for the last twelve years of my life, or just scratch the surface of it… If you have something traumatic happen and it creates a void in your heart and you feel like you shouldn’t talk about it, you’re not allowed to talk about it, or nobody wants to give you sympathy, or if you did get sympathy for it… you’d be called a narcissist. I had to put all that aside and just say, ‘I don’t care what people say.’

“I have to just address this, this is a huge void in my life. And if I don’t heal from it… I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy. But I want to address it. I want to be able to talk about it and say ‘this is what’s held me back.’ It’s important.

Pity’s kinda gross. I don’t want pity right? When I pity somebody else, I’m like, ‘Oh man, I hope they don’t know that I pity them.’ That would make them feel worse. I don’t want that. I just want to be able to address it, to say ‘this exists’, Like I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Like that’s it. It’s pretty simple.”

He also added the following about his relationship with social media:

“I post because of the necessity of just existing in this world. But, like, I’ve been very much off of social media because this anxiety that it gives me. I think part of me just has to get past that and just be like, you know whatever the criticism may be, I think there’s conversations that can be had, even if there’s the negative comments, right?

There’s very important conversations around incarceration, around healing, around rehabilitation, like I just need to get out there and start having those conversations.”

You can check out the full chat below: